A Cheshire Christmas

Michael Bolton wants to know How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends? I don’t know, Michael. I just don’t know. Remember when you had a receding hairline and long curly hair? Oh, Michael, Michael – secretly, I still love you!

I am almost certain that listening to him will make The Boy cringe and roil in his seat like a tortured, possessed thing, stopping just short of the chest beating and the ululations.

/pats Michael Bolton

Okay, on to business.

I have four of the eight packages under the tree. It is imperative that I find out what is in these boxes, before the 25th. I must discover whether one, or all four of them, are ponies. You have been impressed into my Christmas hooligan adventure. Arrr!

Dimensions are important. Since I can’t find my ruler, I shall use the DVD box of Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan to convey size.

Exhibit P

Observations: No air holes. Pony is possibly freeze dried (a la Sea Monkeys), or possibly has perished due to buyer oversight. Way to go! /sobs WAY TO GO!

Shaking: Top heavy on one side. Or, possibly, bottom heavy on one side. Subject may have been tampered with. Suspect subterfuge involving box versus real size of present.

Measurements: Weighs about 1/18 of a pony, if ponies weighed 144 pounds. About 2 Khans x 1.74 Khans x 2 Khans.

Likeness To Pony: Not high.

Alternate Guess: Kitchen gadget. Maybe bread-maker. Maybe some other thing with metal in it.

Exhibits O & N

Observations: Exhibit O has a strange relief pattern on top side. Top edge contours rounded. Mildly squeezable. Exhibit N is regulation size un-pony.

Shaking: No looseness. No neighing.

Measurements: Collective weight about 5/10 of a pony, if ponies weighed 4 pounds. Exhibit O is exactly 1 Khan. Exhibit N is about 1.5 Khans in Depth.

Likeness To Pony: VERY Not high.

Alternate Guess: Exhibit O…I have a guess, so bright and deep in my soul that I shall not utter it here. If I am right – oh! – then I also have the key to Exhibit P, and my Boy will be smothered in kisses and love nips! (Oh, regardless of any presents, anyway, he will be! ;) )

Exhibit N is Monk, Season One. This is only a guess.

Exhibit Y

Observations: Where does the saddle go?!

Shaking: Uniformly packed. Does not respond to kicking.

Measurements: Collective weight about 3/72 of a pony, if ponies weighed 375 pounds. About .7 Khans x 2.31 Khans x 2.2 Khans.

Likeness To Pony: /whimper

Alternate Guess: A VCR Player. Possibly a VCR/DVD Combo. Possibly a VCR/DVD-R Combo. I must watch my VHS tapes! MUST!

It is a strong possibility that I may not be receiving a pony this year. Again. Again, and my heart aches. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but HE GIVES NO PONIES!

I suppose I should content myself with the fact that he didn’t give my brother a Badonkadonk either.

I bet my Pony and I could beat my brother and his Badonkadonk in a joust.

Enough tomfoolery. ;) I am making cookies today, here in Stepford. Off I go!