“Five to one against and falling…” she said, “four to one against and falling…three to one…two…one…probability factor of one to one…we have normality, I repeat we have normality.” She turned her microphone off – then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: “Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.”
As Curt pours the last drop of sparkling wine into my booze, I see my life as an alcoholic flash before me. The blind rages, the black-outs, the brilliance born of blistering despair. The eventual vituperative autobiography on wasted youth, which will reach the best seller list on the day that I die. And I will die a glorious death, singing ‘Cheese, glorious cheese!’ as I am wont to do when suffering from extreme exhaustion. With what? With life. With others. With my own self.
I am fond of this idea, though it is unlikely. I lack the will to vomit; I fear vomiting. Alas, another life goal which will go unmet.
We were literally one, tire-screeching, brake-smoking inch away from a car accident tonight. Some asshole kid (in my head it was a kid or a woman, though it was too dark to tell which) decided not to adhere to the ‘stop at a red light’ suggestion and nearly rammed into us going full speed down the road. I yelled some obscenities out the window, and we left. Obscenities: supremely ineffective in solving problems, yet so satisfying.
This event, though interesting, is not the cause of my dark mood. It is merely evidence. Evidence, if you will, of a long string of iniquities perpetrated on the world by assholes. Assholes with names that I see every day, assholes with other names that sit somewhere else in the world, fucking it the hell up. Assholes that drive cars. Assholes that live down the street. Assholes that let their kids scream incessantly rather than parent them. Assholes, assholes, everywhere. And I will admit that I have been worn down. I am done. I don’t care anymore what anyone’s excuse is. I don’t care if I’m wrong. I just want the assholes to leave me the hell alone. To just go away, and take the crusty pollution of their existences with them.
And yet, once upon a time a man stopped by the side of the road to help me change my tire and gave me a bag of avocados, just because he wanted to be nice. And today, a woman went out of her way to open the gate for me to let me in to the apartment complex, just because she wanted to be nice.
My anger cannot remain. I relent, mentally murmuring that it was a bad day, and go to bed.
